Old Beauty

this was supposed to be an age less wasteful and there are these surprises of piles of paper in my office all that reading and then fearing to forget but maybe I can remember

how so very much I knew for granted all those pleasures of a paperchase these eyes and hands and ears how much they feasted

I am splendid fucking splendid and my beauty is short and I am still a beauty worth exploring getting old

Victim Thoughts

I could be wrong on this just another inner mess projecting as a blame game did it ever leave is this seeing or am I selling myself down river again by making other people's needs more important than my own?

I didn't like the last play we saw a strange pity and distaste like something just off spit it out but I waited politely and ran and ran one word: bathos could it be that? does it matter that sort of victim dance at second hand could have enjoyed

but didn't

Now what? there's filing, editing, waiting for hearts to turn... .

Thought Spin

The sod came early so we'll be replacing part of the lawn all day today and I'm thinking lowdown meanies like "interruption" and "damn imposition" about the day, me, us, and there's this drawing I once drew

showing my head encircled by angry faces like a heavy chain around my neck except they were my family and this reading now of family as dragging me down as an imposition as torture as heavy which

is pretty outrageous considering they're human beings with thoughts and feelings and the surprise is that today is the first time I had a look at this particular thought which seemed so normal minutes ago

so where's that drawing now? and the problems of each other as problems is still functioning and I'm not their problem anymore and neither are they mine so it seems the problem of each other is solved at least concerning each other

but I still think about my last contact with each and wonder what we might have said to one another had we known but there's the lawn today and "we" and "us" is not a problem

Wild Thing

watching thoughts under different conditions: with strangers, with friends, in different locations the thinker (one of them) seems to be seventeen with regressions to pre-verbal communication I'm thinking

and there's this constant chatter seems normal according to studies of actual women in the actual factual but is wearying but then

in younger times I too was called "loquacious" more than once what gives? this listening now and finding

a stranger talking and all the time too

silent me marvels and she's running on and on and it's not as if I could throw away this you in me

my cosmology changes can I learn to like her?

Afterworlds

Mayday and I'm remembering Molly's celebrations how she told what you found each spring among relics having gone to Rome and circled Despite that you left and still This dizziness in the heart a world plods sometimes but I'm dancing At the centre ribbons flutter All the daffodils in England and the isles are fading and my own flowers take on reality and Richard tells that living here is not But then he travels too and he hasn't fallen back in love again after stranger charms all these old familiars

British Road trip

Dublin
This feeling of sort of home which is weirding me out. Had supper at a polish restaurant which also tasted like home but if analyzed would be totally unfamiliar. Can imagine spending Xmas here in future and we found an apartment relatively cheap too. I'm older than everybody on the street and still it feels like home. Go figure. Which is not to say that I have feelings of feeling comfortable in a group of twenty-five people of various agers and mostly from Australia too, go figure again, but it's a longing to be just us again, just two and exploring the blue marble which feels like my birthright and I am all confused and feeling silly and at home and marvelous altogether. About time and travelling in, always. Thinking daffodil thoughts and it's a season for them anyhow and there are plenty. Which is to say, happiness and such.

Strange Fruit Ice Cream

S. Silberman, The Geek Syndrome, WEB: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aspergers.html?pg=1&topic=&topic_set=

Being gifted and having autism characteristics is examined. I wonder if any more special people are doing reflecting on themselves, or would that self-reflection be some other, maybe related animal activity? The autism test was interesting but I'll keep the results private.

(rough drawing)
.....

"By theory of mind we mean being able to infer the full range of mental states (beliefs, desires, intentions, imagination, emotions, etc.) that cause action. In brief, having a theory of mind is to be able to reflect on the contents of one's own mind and others' minds." -- S. Baron-Cohen, Theory of mind in normal development and autism, WEB: http://www.autism-community.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/TOM-in-TD-and-ASD.pdf

........

Interesting idea: thinking of the mind as a camera.